The Dance

This module is all about the process of getting your ex back.

That process involves moving through different phases of contact with your ex. Each phase building upon the last.

It can be helpful to see that each phase relates to your current standing with your ex — how do they feel about you right now?

You’ll visit this module whenever you move into a new phase, or require help with the phase you’re currently on.

If this is your first time here, begin with the following 4 posts. They’re not too long and explain the important reason why behind everything that will follow:

  1. Don’t Jump The Gun
  2. A Complex Mixture of Emotions
  3. How Do They Feel When They Think About You?
  4. Why it’s Best to Say Nothing to Begin With

The Different Phases of Getting Back with Your Ex

Below are the list of phases you may hope to progress through if you are to successfully save your relationship.

Everyone begins at either phase #1 or phase #2, and you must choose which one depending on your situation. This was covered back in the first module.

The next phase you’ll move to after #1 or #2 is #3 (tactful contact) and you’ll do so according to the timing given with the SUMO tool.

From there, all subsequent phases build upon the last. And are to be followed in the order shown. Each phase is explained fully on its own page:

  1. No Contact: The first phase. Immediately follows the breakup. Lasts as long as the SUMO tool determines it should (if you’re not sure);
  2. Diplomatic Contact: Optional for when you live, study, or work with your ex. Use when it’s not practical to have NO contact;
  3. Tactful Contact: Test the waters with your ex. This determines your next move;
  4. Cool-Headed Contact: Enjoy light conversation with your ex. Demonstrate your cool headed’ness;
  5. Coffee Meet Up: After a couple weeks of #4 it’s time to take your cool-headed self out for a short, no-strings, easy going chat with the ex (probably over coffee);
  6. Fun Activity: After a few rounds of #5, you might want to go do something rather than sitting and chatting. Something adventurous, an energetic activity perhaps. Emphasis is on fun here. Still not trying any “ex back” moves;
  7. Delicious Meal: After a couple rounds of #6, it’s time to lay your cards on the table. And what better table than one you share a delicious meal at?;
  8. Dating: Yes, dating. Because none of the above was dating. In this phase you both begin building out the 3rd relationship. The one you create and share together.

Remember: everyone starts at either #1 or #2 following the breakup. And those phases — no contact & diplomatic contact — are explained back in the first module.

Extras

Concerns & Questions You Might Have

  • When You Live Together: If you currently LIVE with your ex, the sequence above may need adjusting to match your situation;
  • Being First to Contact: It’s reasonable to feel like you’re giving up your power by being the first one to make contact. Let’s look into that here.
  • Handling Sensitive Questions: If you think — or know — your ex has been intimate with someone else during your time apart, you might have questions. So .. should you ask them? And if so, when? (IMPORTANT article. Also read this if you want general advice on how to handle ANY sensitive conversations with your ex.)
  • One Minute They Love You, Next They Don’t?: Why might everything be going fine one moment, but not the next? And what does it mean when your ex says they “don’t love you anymore,” or “I’m not IN love with you any more?” Your ex is running HOT and COLD — find out why and what to do.
  • What to Do When Your Ex is in a Rebound Relationship: If your ex is dating other people, or is already in a seemingly stable relationship, read this before you do anything else!
  • If Your Ex Contacts You First: It’s possible that when you reach the end of the no contact phase, your ex contacts you first. Here’s what you do.
  • When You Are in a Long-Distance Relationship: A quick note about modifying the process for a LDR…